Dublin Call Girl: Sometimes I Want to Go Back to Escorting Again

Posted on 26 March 2012


Reblogged from Survivors Connect Network

Sister Survivor Dublin Call Girl has written a brilliant new post about what she calls the pullback – a compelling drive to return to prostitution most of us survivors get after we’ve exited. Prostitution is another country with its own brutal rules. That’s where we’ve been living. We’ve been treated as if prostitution’s the only thing we’re good for. PTSD makes ordinary life painfully hard. Each difficulty we meet in the non-prostitution world reinforces that “being a whore is the only thing you’re good for” message. Speaking frankly, we’re not used to people who are calm, caring or friendly. We don’t know how to trust that. We keep waiting for the meanness and brutality to kick in.

This drive to return reminds me of an evil enchantment from a fairy tale, where the girl is allowed to be human for a few hours, but then she’s turned back into a raven or a swan. In her great memoir Girls Like Us, Rachel Lloyd notes that the conditions of prostitution meet every criteria on the Biderman scale, a tool created by Amnesty International to explain the torture and brainwashing of political prisoners. The four factors that cause Stockholm Syndrome are almost always present in trafficking/prostitution. These factors:
Belief the captors (pimps, madams, Johns) can and will kill you
Isolation from anyone except captors
Belief that escape is impossible
Imagining the captor’s smallest acts of kindness mean they really care about you — a coping mechanism that helps you survive

Here’s an excerpt from Dublin Call Girl’s great post:

I’m sure it’s hard to understand this pull back. It’s so strong. It feels like an anchor and I can go only go so far away before it reminds me of its existence. I’ll never escape, it’s not like an illness or something. I’m feeling this quite a bit lately, a lot tonight. It happens when I’m lonely, or stressed out, or thinking about my friend who died a year ago. I think things like, ‘fuck it, I’ll just run away and hide out in some flat somewhere and work as an escort, and live that fake life for as long as I’m sellable for’. In my current financial situation, it would be so so so easy to use that as an excuse, but an excuse is all that it would be.

Believe me, I don’t want punters dicks shoved up me anymore, I don’t want to hear their whispers in my ear, their hands in my hair, their horrible sex noises. But I wouldn’t be able to get it wrong. I couldn’t screw it up because I know exactly how to be a good escort. In the rest of the world, it’s so much more difficult. You could fuck up at any moment, and then you have only yourself to blame, all your baggage or not. Mostly it’s difficult because I have to scrabble about for belief in myself; In my current job I have to really believe in myself, and in the qualities and experience I bring to it. That can be a difficult task after using your sexuality as an excuse for self worth for so long.